SPEEEECHES 🍿

For the memories and those who couldn’t make it, (we missed you 💙).

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Part I — Atanas

We met in the noughties on a driveway, under a carport, at a party. I was dressed like this (photo), he was the soup nazi in the middle (photo).

 
 
 

These first meetings were especially memorable because it was on that same driveway I first truly noticed his beautiful kerka, Elena. 

On that same occasion she was dressed like this (photo) and was doing a broom dance like this (photo).

But that's a different spicy memory and today, is about Nase.

 
 
 

It was always going to work out between the two of us, in fact he knew it before me. How do I know this?

Well, it wasn't the warm embraces we shared, anyone can get in on one of those, the best hugs you've ever had, it wasn't that he called me a bastard, everyone he loves is a bastard! It was actually something I learned about much later on, something he had said to Elena when we she asked him if he approved of me, he said:

"Elena, make sure it's real, I just don't want to get too attached"

Atanas, even though you first had me in your phone contacts as ‘Trescott’, I'm now in your favourites as ‘Trent, Elena's man.’ Right?

 

Now, we all know English is a truly fucked language — especially if it's not your native tongue — and Atanas will tell you his English is fucked. But if it wasn't for his unique blend of Vlaski, Macedonian and Manglish we wouldn't have enjoyed countless examples of how one can fuck english back.

Atanas you have given us such greats as: 'bitch wolleyball', ‘sorry to cut you’, ‘I’m getting very cool legs about this’ and ‘son of a mongoose’. Nase the way you do English just hits different. I love it, it's better, and I'll keep using your sayings for the rest of my days.

This guy lives for the occasion, for the moment, he is the embodiment of work to live and not live to work, and if it doesn't involve being too cold or getting wet, he leans into almost anything. I think we can all agree, he is an impressive specimen for 70.

I could say so much more but let me show you more, let’s take a drive with Atanas to his favourite anthem (video).

 

Part II — Trent

As you all know, I also reached a milestone this year. Honestly though, who throws their own 40th, with visuals, a mirror ball and all. Guys, this isn't actually a birthday, this is a graphic design experience!

On a serious note though, thank you all for being here, for having my back, for being my friends and fam. My Mama even made it here, against all the odds. Love you Mama!

I'm especially happy that I get to share this milestone with Atanas, you son of a mongoose!

Part III — Bartonasov

Atanas and Giuliana, we’ve had some times, we even have our own brand, ‘Bartonasov’, which has now evolved into Bartollinasov, with the addition of Metodi and the Hollings clique.

It feels like we’ve always been friends and since day one you’ve made me feel like family, so how about we make it official? Will you be my extra Mum and Dad? Will you give me your blessing to marry Elena?

Part IV — Elena

Before we continue, I feel it’s important to explain what is going on...

Elena - our Elena would never willingly choose to be at the centre of attention, and especially not for an entire day, as such the idea of a wedding, especially all the pre-wedding hype, was never really on her mood board.

So, with this in mind, I went about finding a solution for creating a shared, wedding-like experience that could be designed in secret to avoid any pre-wedding hype, and really, really, really reduce Elena's centre of attention quotient while at this event.

Now because Elena has gypsy blood in her veins, her bullshit radar is quite powerful, and she loves a fact check. So, I have run the numbers and I would like to do a small presentation for you kid, to demonstrate that my solution does in fact check out.

The objective here is to prove that the amount of time Elena is the centre of attention has been reduced to an appropriate level for her to commit to the rest of the event (and all going well, the rest of our lives).

Now, to calculate Elena's time, I first needed to work out how many minutes she is likely to be at the centre of attention in comparison to all other guests including, most importantly, the two birthday boys.

This is how I arrived at the centre of attention quotient for an average guest at this event.

For our guests here today that do not identify as a Leo the average centre of attention quotient is approximately 4.8. 

This number assumes that you will only be at the centre of attention, at this event, for 1 minute. For those that are interested, there are of course ways you could attempt to increase your average, by let’s say, stacking it in front of everyone, or having toilet paper stuck to your shoes.

Now importantly, this figure does not take into consideration what I refer to as the vanity and individual narcissism uplift, also known as the VAIN uplift.

In calculating the VAIN uplift for both Atanas and myself, we arrived at 1.6 and 1.9 respectively, this is using a number of variables such as, how long one likes to talk about themselves, how often they are seen without shirt, and how many times you have heard them tell the same story.

Here is how I calculated my one true loves centre of attention quotient for today (image).

Now this might seem high honey, but for comparison, let's calculate both the birthday boy’s time at the centre of attention.

Now with my VAIN uplift and at least 15 mins, on the mic and counting = 136.8

Nase’s VAIN uplift and the time he has been the focal point of tonight has been offset slightly because for about 10 minutes he’s been crying, plus another 20 mins after the next bit and 15 more minutes whilst he holds Milo = 345.6

Makes sense?

Just in the time you have all indulged me during this presentation, combined with my unusually high vanity and individual narcissism uplift, I have further reduced Elena's centre of attention quotient.

And lastly, just for good measure, I will now physically place someone else at the centre of attention, while I do the next part.

Ok kid, now for this next part, everyone's going to continue to look mostly at us, but I hope I've sufficiently offset the next 15 minutes.

Elena, I love how in tune, on point, thoughtful, present and attentive you are.

Even though you don’t always get my attention, you are my centre. And, in a left of centre way, I wanted to celebrate you, us. 

Elena, Eleanor, Estalob, Rigby, Rigboss, Eleanor Rigby, Lenche, Lunchy, Dreamboat, Kid, Elena, Honey, Linda, Listen, daughter of Giuliana of Kangaroo Point and Atanas of Krivi Dol... will you be my Bartonasov?

 
 
 
 
 

We have a dear friend here tonight who might be willing to assist us with the next part. O?

Part V — ‘O’ is for “Official”

My name is Olivia Moriarty, and I am duly authorised in Australia by law to solemnise marriages according to the law.

This wedding-like experience is a lawless, illegitimate, unauthorised affair, and it most certainly will not stand up in court, am I right, all you lawyers in the house?

As some of you will know, for a marriage to be recognised in Australia a Notice of Intent to Marry must be signed, by both parties, at least 30 days in advance of such an occasion, just a small formality that means I can actually do my job on the big day.

So until that day, Elena Atanasov of Mt Gravatt East — daughter of Atanas of Krivi Dol and Giuliana of Kangaroo Point — will you sign a notice of intent to marry Trent Barton of Durack, son of Graeme of Liverpool and Barbara of Salisbury, with these good people as witnesses, (under his eye).

By the power vested in me and our mutual faith in dogs, I now pronounce you no less than 30 days away from marriage pending you don't wish to execute the cooling off period.

Oh, we also have rings! Well let’s pop them on then shall we?!

I now pronounce you MR and MRS BARTONASOV (Terms and conditions apply.)

You may now kiss the person you intend to marry.